the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I lost the right to judge tonight
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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