When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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