Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Holy sore nipples Batman
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
