I love black thongs
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
