My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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