If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
