The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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