It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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