if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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