I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
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