The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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