Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
