i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
