did you get engaged???
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so let's talk penis.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
