Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
