I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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