He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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