nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Jerry, you need to find god
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
