Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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