he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.