I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
