Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?