I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
