look no pants
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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