Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think I died a long time ago.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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