he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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