I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
