He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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