Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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