She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
