I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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