I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
