The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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