I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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