dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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