Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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