It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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