I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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