the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
