She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
