I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
