booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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