Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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