You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
3 2 1 whiskey
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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