but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
