fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
