found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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