when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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