im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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