My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
