can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
