bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
