Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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