My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
