My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
