How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
