Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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