I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
