Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
